You learn a lot of interesting facts when you work with scientists, like I do. For example, a recent article in PLOS ONE, a peer-reviewed, open-access journal from the Public Library of Science shows evidence that older women are producing taller, leaner offspring — two very favorable genetic traits. At the same time, other studies have linked the incidence of autism and schizophrenia – two not-so-good traits — with aging fathers. Now, I’m no super genius (despite what I tell my kids), but this data seems to lead to one obvious conclusion: To create a superior human race, older women need to date younger men.
Yes, it’s true. Science doesn’t lie. It would appear that the perfection of Barbie and Ken is possible with a little more cougar love. As a woman in my forties, this is a scientific discovery that I can finally cheer about. I’m adding this to my file of legitimate excuses for bad behavior right next to the article that shows people who drink wine on a daily basis have a lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s Disease and the blurb from some woman’s magazine that said giving into cravings actually helps you to lose weight. Usually, I drink wine and eat cheesecake for my health, but I’ve decided to become more altruistic. Starting today, I promise that I will flirt with young men for the good of all mankind!
I have no experience robbing the cradle, so I will have to be trained on how to be a cougar. The term “cougar” would imply that the young men I will be dating are prey that will try to run away from me in fear when I approach. This is probably a pretty accurate assumption. I don’t try to be scary, but my mom vibe is pretty strong. We all know men are intimidated by powerful women, and what’s more powerful than someone who can compel you to stand up straight and tuck your shirt in with a simple lift of her eyebrows? I suppose if I want to date someone 20 years my junior, I will need to stop glaring every time he does something stupid and start laughing at fart jokes.
Even though I will want my younger man to be hunky, I don’t worry too much about my own looks, although I will probably need to stop dressing like a hobo and buy a pair of sexy shoes. In my book, this means anything that is not a flip flop. Once I have my alluring wardrobe in place, it will be important to learn how to get my prey to talk to me by tempting them with bait, such as the promise of a new Xbox or Playstation console (not a Wii. Wii are for girls.), and then I will trap them by pretending to like beer, football, and video games. It’s the trapping part that I’m unsure about, however. As much as I want to do my part to improve the human race, I wouldn’t actually want my young stud to hang around for too long. My home has been a matriarchal society for too long, and I’m no longer willing to give up half my closet space to wet suits and surfboards or other non-essential items that aren’t nearly as important as the bridesmaid dress I wore in 2001, which could be really cute if I had it altered into a completely new dress. Plus, I think the constant glaring would give me a headache.